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Text File | 2002-08-23 | 52.0 KB | 1,217 lines

From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS 372.01 Any person with a valid Texas state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes. 372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, how- ever, prohibited. 372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the road- side and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash. 372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft. 372.05 It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance", or "Free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons. 372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, brothels or hospitals. 372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same. 372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accoun- tant for the purpose of hunting attorneys 372.10 Bag Limits Per Day Yellow Bellied sidewinders 2 Two-faced Tortfeasors 1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators 3 Horn Rimmed cut-throats 2 Honest Attorneys PROTECTED (ENDANGERED SPECIES) From: TDCAA Prosecutors Report, found in the chambers of Judge Lopez, 108th Judicial District, Amarillo, Texas. What do you have if you have 100 lawyers drowning in a lake? A good start. Ben Dover & C. Howett Fields, att'ys at law Dead Puppies aren't much fun LAWYER: One who is skilled at circumnavigation of the law. My senior year - The best 5 years of my life. Truth is just another misconception. Please donate to help the Humour Impaired what is black and white and has two eyes? sammy davis and sandy duncan A jewish man comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he has herpes. She says Vahts dat? He didn't know either, so she looked it up in the medical dictionary, and said, Don't vorry it's a disease for the gentiles. The doctor comes in with the results of the mans checkup and says, I've got good news and bad news. The man says, give me the bad news first. The doctor says, the bad news is you have AIDS. The man says oh my god, what news could be good after hearing that? The doctor says the good news is you also have Alzheimers, so go home and forget about it. Bush falls into a coma and awakes 3 years later. His advisors explain he has been in a coma for 3 years, and Quayle took over. Bush asks how Quayle is doing, and his advisors say, ok but inflation is a bit high. Bush says, well I remember stamps were 25 cents, how much do they cost now? His advisor says 500 yen. How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? They got ELECTRICITY up there?? Gone Chopin, be Bach in a Minuet. A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling. The brother said "What should we do?" The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it." The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!" The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU." A rooster clucks defiance-- but a lawyer. . . A minister put a sign on his church: If you're through with sin Come in Somebody scrawled on it in lipstick: If you're not: Call 447-8912 RES IPSA LOQUITUR, but not clearly. Edlin is my best word processor. Know why that guy killed 8 people in Jacksonville the other day? He thought GMAC meant: Give Me A Car *** A UNION MANS DOG *** Four workers were discussing how smart thier dogs were. The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square" and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule." He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the Union Member and said "What can your dog do ?" The Teamster member called his dog, whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do." "Coffee Break" went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for work- man's compensation and left for home on sick leave. A church near my old home has a series of signs along the road that runs past it: #1 This is a church. #2 It has no steeple. #3 Come on in. #4 And meet its people. A woman walks into her vets office with her poodle and sits down next to a lady sitting with her great dane. They get to talking and the great dane's owner asks the poodle's owner why they are there. The poodle's owner explains that her dog is a male and he keeps trying to f*ck her leg so she is getting him nutered. The great dane's owner told her she knows just how she feels as every time she bends over her dog gets on her ass and tries to f*ck her. Poodle owner> so are you getting him nuetered also? Great Dane owner> No I'm getting his nails clipped. I married a virgin; I can't stand criticism... Where's the bow key to match my arrow keys? Which reminds me of the line, What has an IQ of 20 and has 7 teeth?? Front row at a Willie Nelson concert! I remember one good line from the three stooges where Moe, talking about some famous pianist, say "This man is the best pianist in the country!", to which Curly replies, "Oh yea, well how is he in the city?!" "I think feminists have a point. I think there OUGHT to be a 'spokesperson'. I think there OUGHT to be a 'chairperson'. But sometimes, they go to far. Thay want me to call that thing in the street a 'personhole'. People would look up and see the 'person in the moon'. And what would a 'lady's man' be? A 'persons's person'? That would make a 'he-man' an 'it-person'. And these are the things you would be hearing about on 'Late Night with David Letterperson "Have a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I've had 192 nice days in a row, and I'm ready, by God, for a CRAPPY day!" Lite salad dressing: 500 Island Meet my pet quadraped Baud Rat..... Who could forget the classic by Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn titled: "You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly" I kinda like "Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life." A born loser: Somebody who calls the number that's scrawled in lipstick on the phone booth wall-- and his wife answers. I AM NOT schizophrenic. Me neither. NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! The heaviest known element known to science was recently discovered by corporate research physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 15 senior vice neutrons, 60 vice neutrons, 125 assistant neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally occur in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3 years at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicate Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. Our hero is at a bar,starting to tell this joke....Shhhh! "This jock walked into a bar on night.." "Hey buddy".interupted the beefy bartender,leaning over toward him. "This isn't one of those dumb-jock jokes is it"? he asked. "Well as a matter of fact it is" answered the man. "What of it"? "Look,I lift weights when I'm not working here.and see that guy over there? He's a pro wrestler.And those guys over there at the end of the bar are pro football players.You SURE you want to tell your joke here?" asked the bartender. "I guess you're right",replied our hero. "I'd hate to have to explain it 5 times." A bunch of sports-minded guys were boozing it up to excess and getting very loud in the process. When the subject of the University of Georgia came up, one of the guys snorted: "Huh! Everybody at Georgia is either a dumb football player or a whore!" Across the table, another guy stood up, grabbed the first guy by the collar, and said: "Oh, is that right? I've have you know MY DAUGHTER goes to Georgia." First guy: "Really? Umm ... what position does she play?" What is 50 feet long and has no pubic hair? The front row at a New Kids on the Block concert. My mother-in-law kept nagging me to take her to Sea World. I called, but they don't want her. Welcome to the promised RAM. Support Deadware: smoke. There was a fire in my house, and my wife told the kids "Quiet, you'll wake up daddy." My system goes down more than a $10 whore. This guy walks up to a sheepherder, and says "I bet you one of your sheep that I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock". SHEEPHERDER: No way I have too many. You have a bet. GUY: Um....Um....Um....742 SHEEPHERDER: WOW!!! That's amazing. OK take whatever sheep you want. A few minutes later....... SHEEPHERDER: HEY buddy. I bet you double or nothing I can guess your nationality. GUY: I guess it's only fair. OK! SHEEPHERDER: POLISH! GUY: Yeah! How'd you know. SHEEPHERDER: Put the dog back, and I'll explain it to you. Oops! Did it again..this is a recording..Oops MEMBER OF THE MARION BARRY DRUG ABUSE CLINIC Only the mediocre are always at their best. Don't sweat Petty things, or Pet Sweaty Things My wife ran off with my best friend, and I miss him Chris was enjoying a few at the local pub when a man joined him at the bar, swaying back and forth as he stood there. It started to get on Chris' nerves, so finally he turned to the stranger and asked "What's with all this lurching back and forth? Can't you stand still?" "I was with the Merchant Marines for 15 years," the fellow explained genially,"and the roll of the sea kinda got in my blood." "IS that so? Well, I've got 14 kids," sputtered Chris, starting to pump his hips energetically back and forth at the bar, "and I don't stand like this!" A man had a weird illness.Whenever he broke wind,it made the sound"honda". He asked his doctor about it but the doctor after months of tests and literature-reading,could not figure it out.Finally,just before he was about to give up,he has an idea!"I'll call Honda Company in Japan and ask the company doctor!!" Well,he called the Japanese doctor and was told by him to see if the patient had an abscess in his teeth somewhere. Sure enough,there is,and when it was treated the other affliction ended! When the doctor asked his Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great diagnosis over the phone from such a long distance away the man replied,simple: Abscess makes a fart go honda!!! When Noah was loading the animals on the ark, a pair of adders came to the gangplank. Noah said "I'm sorry, but I can only take animals that can multiply, and you're adders". They said "Well, how are we gonna survive the flood??!!??" Noah said "I don't know, and I wish I could help you, but I've got my orders right from the Top." So the adders built a high platform out of tree trunks, and stayed up on that during the flood. When the flood subsided and the ark docked, Noah came down the gangplank and to his amazement was met by the two adders with a whole lot of little adders. He said "I didn't know you could multiply!!!" They said "Neither did we, until we got on the log table." What's pink, wrinkled, and hangs out your pajamas? -- Your mother. Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian They're like vitamins only Better!...E Presley Why did the chicken cross the road? - A crazy was after him with a baby in one hand and a stapler in the other. Who is France's data compression hero? Joan of ARC... "They put dimes in the hole in my head and You should see the change in me now!" Honk if you've had Mrs. Bush What's the difference between a pigeon and a Texas oil-man? A pigeon can still make deposits on a Mercedes. Reputation=character - what you got caught at No one ever bets enough on the winner. And so...the young, innocent farmgirl finally made it to the big city. Upon landing her first real job as a Greyhound bus driver, she expressed her excitement about her new job by pleasantly greeting each passenger that she picked up along her route. For example... Early one morning, while rolling down one of the back country roads on her route, she pulled up to a gentlemen waiting at the bus stop right outside of the local farmers market. The man was standing there with a rooster, a hen, and a donkey - not an uncommon picture around these parts. So, in her usual, charming manner, she pulled up and greeted the fellow with a big smile... " Mornin' Sir... Should I grab your cock and pullet til you get your ass in the door ??? " Whats hard, and round and sticks out of your clothes far enough that you can hang a hat on it? -- Your head What's a Polish shishkebob? A flaming arrow through a garbage can..... What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy. What did the Pole do when he found out he had sugar in his urine? He pissed on his corn flakes.... A young guy went to the drugstore to buy some condoms. The pharmacist noticed that the guy was a bit confused and offered help. The pharmacist told the guy he could buy a three pack, a six pack, or a twelve pack and explained the difference when asked. He said that the three pack was for high school kids; one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. So what's the six pack for, asked the young guy? That's for college kids; two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday. The customer's curiosity aroused, he asked about the twelve pack. Oh, said the pharmacist, those are for married couples; one for January, one for February, one for March... Rl prgmmrs dnt nd vwls BF> Who is France's data compression hero? BF> BF> Joan of ARC... And Great Britain's? -- Jack the Zipper What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Soup Why did they stop the leper hockey game? Their was a face off How do you know when a leper's poker game is over? They all throw in their hands What did the leper say to the Hooker? Keep the tip There was this def mute couple and they really wanted to make love. The girl said that she would, only if he had a condom. The guy then ran to his dresser and grabbed a 10 dollar bill. Out the door he went in search of a condom. When he arrived at the drug store he remembered that he didn't know how to sign the word condom. In desperation, he unzippered his pants and layed it on the counter.Then he slaped down his 10 dollar bill. The Pharmacist came over and looked at what the guy had done. The phamacist then unzippered his pants and layed his on the counter. "Ha mines bigger" yelled the pharmacist. He took the 10 bucks. He's dim, Jed! Yesterday, while I was out driving, I got stuck behind a Line Painting Truck. This wasn't one of the usual small jobs I'd seen before -- the thing was the size of a cement mixer, and had a couple of monstrous pressurized paint containers onboard. The traffic was backed up because they were doing the double- yellow center lines (which effectively blocked off half the street. Eventually, I turned onto a side road to take a detour. As I continued home, I saw freshly painted lines everywhere... those guys had been busy. (With paint canisters that big, I guess you can stay out a long time!) I also saw a dead animal lying in the center of the road, which isn't all that unusual. It might have been a groundhog or a racoon -- when it's flattened out, it gets kinda tough to tell. But this animal had one unusual distinguising characteristic... ...two bright yellow lines running straight across his back! I'm sorry -- my karma ran over your dogma. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with Jell-O. Boredom is a feast unfit for mankind, therefore, keep busy: H H AAA V V EEE SSS EEE X X ! ! H H A A V V E S E X X ! ! HHH AAA V V EE SSS EE X ! ! H H A A V V E S E X X H H A A V EEE SSS EEE X X * * Why did they stop the leper baseball game? Someone dropped a ball in left field. Why did they stop the leper football game? There was a hand off at the line of scrimmage. Why did they stop the leper hockey game? There was a face off. What's grosser than gross? 7 babies in a trash can. What's grosser than that? 1 baby in 7 trash cans. One day a leper went into a bar and had a seat. The waiter arrived and took his order. "Scotch and soda" he said. He shot down the drink quickly noticing that the waiter was becoming sick. He got up to leave, but the waitor sat him back down saying, "It's not you... I'll even buy you another drink." The waitor return in seconds with another drink for the leper. Again the leper shot down the drink and got up to leave, seeing the waitor puking up lunch in the corner of the bar. The waitor again tried to no avail to seat the leper. "You keep saying that it's not me making you sick," the leper exclaimed, "then who the hell is it?" "Ok," the waitor replied, "It's not you. It's the guy next to you... He's drunk... He's eating Potato chips ... and .. He's DIPPING THEM IN YOUR ARM! ----- From LeeJan Enterprises - P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. S.A. 5159.----- What do you call 100 black guys at the bottom of the ocean? A GOOD start. Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A 50 ft. cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. Q2: What do prostitutes and peanut butter have in common? A2: They both spread for bread. Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day? Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack. Q: Why does Miss Piggy uses honey and vinegar douche? A: Because Kermit likes to eat sweet and sour pork. How is a Mexican like a cue ball? The harder you hit 'em, the more English they pick up. How does the brain know where it lives? Now, now. Don't be like the leper who threw his hands up in the air in disgust. Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Sometimes my mind and waste go together... What do you call 1000 black guys jumping out of an airplane with out parachutes? A: Asphalt How many Country Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, the other to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. A duck went into a drugstore to buy some condoms. Druggist said: "You want me to put that on your bill?" Duck said: "Just What kind of a duck do you think I am?" Does killing time damage eternity? What is the only part of Popeye that doesn't get rusty? The part he sticks in to Olive Oil! What do you get when you mix a Rooster with peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth! What is green, slimy and smells like Ms. Piggy? Kermits middle finger!!! How does a mexican know when he's hungry?? His ass burns! Born free...Taxed to death. I NEED Kirstie Alley's home phone number!!!!!!!!!! How about "She Broke My Heart, So I Busted Her Jaw." Q: Why did the pervert cross the road? A: He was stuck in a chicken. Q: Why did the New Yorker cross the road? A: What's it to you??!!!!!!!!!!!? Dyslexics should be persona au gratin. Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens weren't invented yet. What's that up the road? A head? A chicken is the only animal that you can eat before it is born, and after it is dead! If at first you dont succeed,forget skydiving Q: How many Longshoremen does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty-three. You got a problem with that? Put your modem where your mouth is! What goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and goo-ey? --- Gum I WAS Joan of ARC...now I'm Eileen of ZIP... Did you hear about the sign off on the news show in the leper colony? Its ten o'clock, do YOU know where your extremities are? History repeats itself; historians repeat each other. Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl? A: A cock that stays up all night. Q: What's a mile long and moves at 5 mph? A: A Mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables. Q: Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the battle of the Alamo? A: They only had four cars. Women do come with instructions, ask them! If you can't beat the one you love, love the one you beat! Nah, My wife ran off with a BAnana! Oh, what a rotten deal! What is long and Hard, and contains Seamen? A Submarine! Astronaut--Whirled traveler. Skydiver--a guy whose talks fall flat. Carpenter--a guy who nails down his agreement. Surrey-makers--always looking for fringe benefits. Soviet spy-dancer--a ballet ruse Chinese spy--a Peiping Tom. Harpist--a plucky musician. A piano player found his instrument to be out of tune and therefore called in the local tuner, Mr. Orlando Oppornokity. Mr. O. accordingly was summoned, tinkered with the keys, and departed. The piano player was not satisfied with the job, however, and called Mr. O. demanding that he return and do the job right. Not on your life, Mr. O. replied, "Oppornokity tunes but once." Why don't kids fight for custody of parents? There was a rascal who managed to get engaged to two women at the same time: one named Edith, in California, and the other named Kate, in texas. Unfortunately for the rascal, the two girls met at a beauty contest, discovered the truth, and confronted him with the following admonition: "You can't have your Kate and Edith, too." I'm in search of myself, have you seen me? Q. What's the difference between a Hedgehog and a BMW A. The pricks are on the outside of a Hedgehog! What did the ship's navigator say to the midget? "Belly-high, here's your island..... As they say in Copenhagen..."There is nothing like a Dane." A class lecture was being given in a large auditorium at Illinois State University. The professor was proceeding marily through his notes when a large bag of Doritos came sailing down from the balcony RIGHT AT THE PODIUM. (apparently, a girl in the balcony had--for WHATEVER reason--been leaning over the balcony railing with the bag in her hand and had "accidentally" dropped it.) When the professor saw this approaching missile, he simply reached up, caught it, exclaimed "Oh! LUNCH!" and continued with his lecture without further comment. "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" So the High School Shop Teacher is giving his students a little quiz -- he asks a girl if she can explain the difference between a screw, a nail, and a bolt. "Golly!" she replied, "I've never BEEN bolted!" The wages of sin are tax deductible "What are you doing that for?", Bill asked, looking at his friend Tyrone. The large, muscular negro had just finished using a urinal and before zipping up, banged his cock against the side of the receptacle three times. "You oughta try it," Tyrone explained as he zipped up, "it'll make your dick bigger." Bill scoffed politely. "Naw man, I mean it. Come on, just humor me: every morning when you get up and take a leak, bang your dick against the toilet three times. I'll bet you anything it works." Sceptical but good natured, Bill agrees to try his friend's advice. The next morning, he pulls himself out of bed, urinates, and beats his pud against the toilet. Every morning for two weeks he performs this procedure, and upon close inspection, he realizes his cock is indeed almost half an inch longer. From then on, he enthusiastically performs this task. One morning, however, the banging noise rouses his wife from sleep in the next room. "Tyrone, is that you?" she asks. Yeah, Aggies can be real touchy. Why just last week, I was swapping Aggie jokes with a friend at a bar. The guy sitting next to us seemed to get redder and redder after each one. Finally having heard enough he announced, loudly, "I'll have you know that I'M an Aggie!" The temptation was too much, so I replied "Well I'll tell the next one real slow." At this, he stormed out of the bar. A half hour later, I was walking out to my car when the Aggie jumped out from behind a bush brandishing a razor! Luckely for me, it wasn't plugged in. I heard a story about a student who walked into the wrong classroom during finals week. Since the classes are so large it wasn't obvious at first that anything was wrong. As soon as he got a test, he realized that he was in the wrong place. So, he got up, stormed to the front of the class, slammed the paper on the desk and said, "This test is TOO DA*N HARD!" and stormed out, to a cheering class. Acupuncturists do it with a small prick. POOPIE Ghost Poopie the kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there are no poopies in the toilet. Clean Poopie the kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Poopie the kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain. Second Wave Poopie it happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have have to poopie some more. Pop a Vein in Your Head Poopie the kind where you strain so much that you almost have a stroke. Richard Simmons Poopie you poopie so much that you lose thirty pounds Lincoln Log Poopie the kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. Gasey Poopie it's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling. Corn Poopie (self-explanatory) Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie it's the kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a little. Spinal Tap Poopie that's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways. Wet Cheeks Poopie (the power dump) the kind that comes out of your butt so fast your butt cheeks get splash with water. Bicyclist do it with chains. This guy has been feeling really bad for about 3 weeks so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so why don't you go to this specialist I know." So the man went to the specialist and the specialist said, "Look you have this rare sickness, only one person every ten years gets it! The only cure is made in Australia in a little town called Mercey, about 400 miles from Sidney. By the way, you have 1 week to live." So the man took the first flight he could to Sidney, rented a car and drove to Mercey, Australia. When he got there he found it was a town with a population of one. The man walked up to the one house in the village and an old doctor answered. "You have to help me!" said the man,"I'm dying of this rare illness and I have only 4 days to live" So the old man invited him in. "I must give you my special Koala bear Tea. It is the only thing that will cure you." So the old man went out to get the supplies. One koala, a few birds and such, and he boiled them together and gave them to the man with bones and feathers and dirt sticking up. and the young man looked at it repulsed and asked if it could be strained. The old docter looked horrified and said, "Oh No, the Koala Tea of Mercy is never strained" Cheer up! Yesterday won't matter tomorrow. His eyes bulged and he got headaches. The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so why don't you go to this specialist I know." So the man went to the specialist and told him, "Hey, my eyes bulge and I get these headaches. What's wrong?" The specialist said, "Look you have this rare sickness. It's always fatal. I'm sorry, but you have only months to live. There's only one treatment to prolong your life: immediate castration. I'm sorry." Well this is a shock, but he goes for it. Later, he is out buying some new shirts, and tells the salesman, "I take 15-33 shirts. Got some nice cream colors?" Salesman says, "Naw, big guy like you, he takes maybe a 16, 16-1/2." "No, I take 15 collars. Gimme 15 inches." "OK, You've got them if you want, but lemme tell you, you're about my size in the arms and shoulders, if I try tto wear 15 inch collars, I get headaches and my eyes bulge out....." A Russian, an American, an English Canadian, and a French Canadian go camping together. One night they are sitting around the campfire talking about their countries. The Russian grabs a case of vodka, tosses it in the fire and shouts, "Russia has such an abundance of vodka that I can toss away a case without a thought". The American takes a wad of $100 bills from his backpack, tosses it in the fire and yells, "America has such an abundance of money that we can afford to burn cash for warmth". The English Canadian grabs the French Canadian and tosses him on the fire. Of course there's Mel Fami, famous pitcher for the Yankees. Every game he pitched was a no hitter. Every game he didn't pitch they lost. Went to the series, 7th game, 9th inning, 0 - 0. Mel was nervous and for the first time in his life he took a drink of a beer. Got so drunk, he walked the next five batters, and lost the game. The manager of the other team picked up the can of beer and said, "This is the beer that made Mel Fami walk us." There once was a young man named Dave who drug a dead whore in a cave. Now, it ain't first-class (f..kin' dead ass), But LOOK at the MONEY Dave saved! Did I make myself clear? Translucent? ... so the husband finally let his nagging wife (redundancy?) go deer hunting with him. After setting her up in a blind and waiting in his own blind a way's away, he heard a shot. Not believing that she bagged one before he did, he raced to her blind to see what happened. She was pulling on one end of the animal while a large man was pulling on the other. They were arguing very loudly about whose it was when the man, in total exasperation, finally said, "Ok lady, you can have it. Just give me five minutes to get the saddle off." Save the whales. Refrigerate 'em. Reminds me of the guy who was out fishing all day, and frustrated with only catching one fish, took the fish to bed with him. His wife came to bed and wanted to make love. "Not tonight", the fisherman replied, "I have a haddock." This new guy in town was visiting a local pub when he noticed a strange looking machine next to the bar. The bartender told him it is a piss analysis machine. The new guy wanted to try it out. He pissed in the machine and threw in a loonie. 10 seconds later, the machine spat out a card that says "You need glasses". "This is bullshit! How can the machine tell if I need glasses from my piss?" He decided to give it another try. So he went home, collected piss from his wife, his daughter and his dog and mixed it all up. Then, he added couple drops of Quaker State from his car and finally, as good measure, he jerked off into the brine. The next day, he went back to the pub. He poured the solution into the machine and inserted anotehr loonie. This time, the machine struggled and took almost 5 minutes to come up with an answer. "Your dog has flees, you wife is dating a Latin lover, your daughter is pregnant by a Haitian drug user, your car is about to blow up and if you don't stop jerking off, you'll go blind." I want a modem that talks!! What do you call an Italian suppository??? an Inuendo? What do you call an Italian astronaut??? a specimen.. Greetings. Must tell you about my uncle Bill who went to Hollywood to get a job in the movies. Bill finally got his big break and was chosen to play a part in a western. When casting interviewed him they asked "which part do you think you are best suited for?" Of course uncle Bill replied "Just give me a small bit and a steer to star by!" There was this guy who picked up this chick at a dance. After they danced, the guy said "I'd take you to my house, but my parents are home." The woman replied "I'd let you go to my house, except my BOYFRIEND is there!" The dude suggested that they go to his van instead. The chick agreed and they went to the van; they both took off their clothes, and at the point where the man was about to enter her, the woman exclaimed "What, no foreplay?! How about going outside and look for a stick, and you could beat me with it!" So the man went outside, but couldn't find any sticks. So instead he busted the aerial off his van, and the guy and girl beat each other on the back and they had a gay old time. The next morning, however, the man was feeling aweful sore on the back. He went to his doctor, who exclaimed: "This is the worst case of Van-Aerial disease I've ever seen!" There was once a little land,where there lived a little peaceful race of people called the Trids.Everything was OK until a huge giant settled in their land.And if that weren't bad enough,whenever the giant came upon a Trid,he would kick him as hard as he could!Well,the Trids finally had had enough!Being very religious,they went to see their local Rabbi.Rabbi,they exclaimed!,the giant keeps kicking us,please help! So the Rabbi went over to the giant's cave and hollered"come out here;and explain why you keep kicking the poor little Trids!" The giant stuck his massive head out of the cave entrance and said: Silly Rabbi,kicks are for Trids!!!!!!!! ============================WARNING!=================================== A Canadian joke is approaching. This can be enjoyed by non-Canadians as well, as long as they observe the following precautions. 1. Keep in mind that Canadians have a Prime Minister (kind of like a President but without the restraining powers of Congress, the Supreme Court or Democracy, and much, much stupider). 2. The current (2 more years max!) Prime Minister is Brian Mulroney. 3. Mulroney just had a little cabinet shuffle. After the recent shuffle, Brian decided to take his cabinet for lunch. The waiter took his order. Waiter: What would you like for lunch, sir? PM: I'll have the haddock. Waiter: And for the vegetables, sir? PM: Uhhhhhh. They'll have the same. Support mental health.........Or I'll kill you. Scene - a schoolroom in Italy....... Teacher: Class, can anyone tell me where the Great Lakes are? Luigi? Luigi: Upper U.S. ! Teacher: Oh Luigi, I'm taking you to the principal's office. P.S. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Viaducts. Viaducts who? Viaducts valking on vebbed feet vhen zay could be svimming? Lower the age of puberty! Little ms. muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey along came a spider and said "What's in the bowl, b*tch?!" Leonard had heard so much about ice fishing that he decided to give it a try. He got all his ice fishing gear together, went out onto the ice and started to drill a hole. Suddenly, a deep, resonant voice from above him said, "There are no fish there". Leonard shrugged, picked up his equipment, moved another 50 feet out onto the ice and began to drill. Again, a big voice boomed, "There are no fish there". Leonard looked up and asked, "Are you God?" "No asshole, I'm the arena manager, now get out!" Dyslexics of the World..... UNTIE! ....Then there was the hopeless case that Sherlock Holmes solved through the use of brilliant deduction.... Watson asks, " Tell me dear Sherlock, what school did you last attend?" "Elementary my dear Watson, Elementary." Did you hear about the guy who discovered his new wife thought the smoke detector in the apartment was the oven timer. Or how about the woman who went to the bank and got a home improvement loan, took it home, gave it to her husband and told him to get lost. A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary -unusual. The pet shop owner replied, well,I have one Rairy-bird left... The man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual!, I'll take it! So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally,the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself:I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back ,and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck: I"It's a long long way to tip-a-Rairy!! My old friend Roy Rodgers once got himself a brand new pair of cowboy boots.They were beautiful!! Out on the plains camping once,a huge mountain lion crept into Roy's camp and chewed up Roy's new cowboy boots!Roy was furious,and decided to never rest until he had revenged himself upon the ornery mountain lion! Finally he had the critter in the sights of his rifle!Bang!!-one dead mountain lion! Heading back into town with the dead animal slung across his horse,a friend approached him and sang: Pardon me Roy, But is that the cat That chewed your new shoes? Ma and Pa always made a nice ritual out of dinner - Ma brought out her freshly baked loaves of home-made bread, and Pa would carefully carve them into regular, even slices. Every night, the family would sit around the table nodding with approval as Pa displayed his skill with the knife, barely leaving a crumb as he divided up the loaves. As the years went by, the kids would all chip in and buy Pa a new knife every few Christmases. Each time, they got him a larger, sharper, better knife. Pa could put a couple of loaves side-by-side and with one pass of his knife, create several even slices of Ma's bread. Finally, one Christmas, the kids really outdid themselves. They got Pa such a fine knife that tears sprang to his eyes as he opened the package. Holding it aloft, he reverently exclaimed, "I never thought that I'd own a four-loaf cleaver!" Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor daughter a dress; When she got there the cubbard was bare and so was her daughter, I guess. Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor dog a bone; When she bent over rover came over and gave her a bone of his own. Mary had a little lamb; The Dr.'s were supprised; But when Old McDonald had a farm, they almost passed out. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and way; Along came a spider and said what ya got in the bowl bitch. There was an old lady who lived in a shoe; She had so many children her uterious fell out. Once there was a Russian who had a pen-pal who lived in Africa. They had written each other letters for about 2 years, when the African sent a letter to his Russian friend announcing his plans to come to Russia and visit him. The Russian, who always wanted to meet his African friend, prepared a tour for his friend. After meeting him at the airport, the Russian took the African on a tour of Moscow. When they approached Red Square, the African saw a circle of men standing around passing something around, and asked "What's going on down there?". The Russian said "That's our national game of Russian Roulette". The African asked "How is it played?" The Russian said "Well, let's go watch them..." They went down and watched as each Russian in turn took a six- shooter from his neighbor, spun the cylinder, placed the muzzle to his head, and pulled the trigger. The African said "What's the game about?" The Russian explained "One of the chambers is loaded. If you land on the loaded chamber, you are dead." The African says "Interesting.... Simple, yet elegant. I like it..." As the African was about to leave for home, they made plans for the Russian to visit his African friend in his home village. Remeber that neat game you showed me called Russian Roulette? We have invented our own version, called African Roulette..." The Russian asked "How is it different?" The African says "Well, let's go watch and I'll show you." They go to the center of the village and find the following scene: In the center of the village, there are 20 naked men walking around a circle. Inside the circle, there are 20 naked women. An old man to the side is beating on a drum. The Russian says "OK, what's going to happen now?" The African replies "See the man with the drum? When he quits beating it, each man get's a blowjob from the woman in front of him..." The Russian says "Where's the fun of that?!?" The African replies slyly "One of the girls is a Cannibal!!!" Save the Whales -- Collect the whole set! If swimming is good for your figure, Why do whales look the way they do? Why are they raising the drinking age to 23 in Newfoundland ? To cut the drinking out of the elementary schools . Uncle Bill was finding the money in the movie business rather poor. Unless you were a big star minimum wage was the best you could expect. As Bill was having trouble making ends meet he decided to take on a second job. After some searching he got a job out in the San Joaquin valley guarding fields of cantalopes and casabas. Bill was issued an old double barrel shotgun and shells loaded with rock salt. His job was to protect the fruit from theives who would sneak in during the dark of night. The first few nights were very difficult. Uncle Bill had a terrible time staying awake all night, then going to his daytime acting job. At last Bill came up with a solution. He would get a dog to help him guard the fields. After much looking Bill found a suitable animal. It was one of the long haired breed known for its great intelligence. In memory of one of the dogs more famous relatives Bill named his new pet Lassie. Guard duties became much easier. Lassie would stand watch while her master caught a few winks. Unfortunately one dark evening a stray dog came into the cantalope field. While Bill was sleeping Lassie took time out for a romantic interlude. In a due span of time Lassie gave birth to a single cute little puppy. Bill was delighted, he now had two dogs to help with guard duties. He became very attached to the little pup, and often refered to it as his "melon collie baby". ;-) Husband and wife were enjoying some horizontal recreation. Husband stopped and asked wife. "Did I hurt you?" She replied. "No, why?" He responded, "You moved!" Wife tells husband that if he doesn't smarten up she'll cut him off. He asked, "How you gonna do that? You don't even know where I'm getting it!" Guy asks friend if friend talks to his wife during sex. Other guy responds, "Sure, if she happens to call!" Guy asks friend, "Does your organ burn after you've had sex?" Friend responds, "Don't know, never enjoyed sex enough to try and light it!" What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? The woman in church has hope in her soul... All swell that ends swollen... Little Miss Muffet Crouched on a tuffet, Collecting her shell-shocked wits. There dropped (from a glider) An H-Bomb beside her- Which blasted Miss Muffet to bits. What's the definition of gross??? Diving into a bowl of snot and eating your way out! What's the definition of pain?? Jumping off the CN tower and getting your nose caught on a nail! What's another def of pain?? Sliding down the CN tower with razor blades strapped to your butt and then landing in a bowl of iodine! What is red and scratches on glass?? A baby in a microwave! What is green and doesn't scratch on glass??? The same baby two weeks later! How do you get across a room without touching any babies?? Use a snowblower!!! What is black and squirms?? A half alive baby in a body sack. What is black, smells and doesn't squirm?? The same baby three weeks later!! It was the 8th annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself. Turning to another male mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that mouse, aren't they sexy?' "Just fair," was the answer. "You crazy," said the first mouse and then turned to another, asked his opinion. "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited about." "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now you," he said to the fourth mouse, what do you think of them?" "To tell the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs, I'm a titmouse myself." A young couple got married and after all the festivities the new groom made one request of his new wife. He told her he wanted to designate a drawer in his bureau to be his PRIVATE DOMAIN. She was to respect his privacy and never venture into this sacred place of his. Well she was agreeable to this and went on to live a long and happy life together. After about 45 years of this marital bliss the husband became seriously ill, hospitalized, and not expected to survive long. The wife sitting at home, waiting to go for a visit, decided this may be her last opportunity to unlock the secret of his private door so he opened it up. Inside she found 3 golf balls and 5000 dollars in cash. Later at the hospital she confessed to her dying husband of her curiosty and asked him to explain the contents. Well, he said, whenever I cheated on you I put a golfball in the drawer. She thought about that fora minute and figured considering they had 45 happy years, she could forgive 3 indescretions. She then asked of the 5000 dollars. Oh that, he said, every time I got a dozen balls I sold them. I maybe a Poet and I don't Know it. But my Dick... It's a Longfellow! A man stood on the Brooklyn Bridge, his feet hung in the water. - Longfellow Two guys stop on a bridge to relieve themselves. As they are standing there, the first guy said "Hey, this water is cold." The other guy replied, "Yeah, and deep too." Two neighbors were discussing gardening one afternoon. The lady from next door remarked, "My but you have such a nice blush on your tomatoes, how do you do it?" The gentleman farmer replied, "Oh, its easy. Every morning before I get dressed, I walk out to my garden in my bathrobe and flash them. You should give that a try." A few weeks later the two neighbors were again talking about gardening, when the man asked, "By the way, how are your tomatoes doing? Do they have a nice blush yet?" "No," answered the woman, "they are the same as before. But now my cucumbers are a foot long!" If you had a faggot on your back, would you let him stay on, or would you beat him off? There were two young brothers, Ted age 10 and Roy age 8. For days they had been contemplating where they were going to be sent for their annual summer camp. Well Ted says "My instinct tells me we are going to be sent back to camp Tomahawk again this year." Roy looks at him with a weird glint in his eye and says "Well my end stinks too but it don't tell me nuttin." Did you pass your prune pit today? Or the gal who wanted a unique pet for a gift for her husband, and bought the Crunch-Bird that the pet store clerk recommended. Why? Well, the clerk had demonstrated.... "Crunch-Bird - CHAIR!" Whereupon the Crunch Bird reduced the chair to sawdust with his powerful beak. Then, "Crunch Bird, Table!" Another pile of dust, so she bought it on the spot. Well, the guy had had a terrible day at work and was in a lousy mood. His wife greeted him at the door and said, "Honey, look what I bought for you today! A Crunch Bird." To which the grump replied, "Crunch Bird, my ass! Gimme a beer!" A woman in Boston hails a taxi and hops in. Woman: Oh driver, take me to where I can get scrod. Driver: OK lady, but shouldn't you be using the past perfect? Beware of geeks baring GIFs. Why doesn't the Post Office lose THIER mail? From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.